Welcome to Bikini Bottom Inquirer where investigative thrills are packed to the gills! I'm your host Perch Perkins with the latest local news! Here's today's rundown:

Intro + Top Stories

Community Poll: Most Handsome Man in Bikini Bottom

NEWSFLASH: Beware of These Pranks

Local Fry Cook and Unemployed Starfish's Bare Brawl

Talking Squirrel Seen Flying a Rocket

Ghosts in Bikini Bottom

Perch Phone: Squilliam Fancyson, Bubble Bass, and DoodleBob

The Lurch Report: Exclusive Interview with a Ghost

BREAKING NEWS: The Krusty Krab is Haunted

Community Poll Results + Outro